Well, they talk about this journey being a rollercoaster (without the fun), and that is the best way to describe the weekend so far. We knew Willow was coming back today, and waited for the phone call from Southampton. The phone call came at last, and we were very excited to be welcoming our daughter back to Poole.
As we arrived at the hospital we saw the ambulance outside, and couldn't wait to get up to NICU. There she was, in her old incubator, next to her brother where she belongs. The doc was still with her getting her sorted, so we talked to Stanley for a while. He was being his usual self; turning himself around, brewing something in his nappy, pulling his tubes out. We had him out for a cuddle, and he handled it really well.
I could look at his face forever - the wave of emotion I get when he looks at me is quite overwhelming. I never used to understand it when people would talk about how amazing it was when you see your baby for the first time - but it really is. There are no words to describe it. You immediately just love this little person more than anything in the world; it just doesn't usually take 5 or 6 weeks to even see their face. Up until the last week or so, I've never been brave enough to let go and really believe that our babies might actually get through this.
When the doc was free, he came and talked to us about Willow and her 'crummy' (in his words) situation. He showed us her latest x-ray, which happened to be her 26th x-ray in 42 days. It didn't look good - you could clearly see half of her right lung collapsed, and the rest of her lungs covered in a hazy mist. A good example of bad chronic lung disease, no less. Not only that, but a distended tummy - hopefully just full of air - pushing up against her diaphram and not helping the situation at all.
He talked us through what was going on. The operation had successfully fixed her heart, so that was working nicely. Trouble is, a heart is not much use when the lungs are in a bad state of repair. The longer she stays on the ventilator, the worse the lungs will get. So that was the plan for the next couple of weeks - to wean the ventilation so they can take that damn tube out.
With Willow's predicament now worse than it ever has been, it was time to go home and do the only thing one can do in this situation - ball your eyes out until you can't do it any longer. Which is what we did. Again.
Saturday 6 November 2010
Friday 5 November 2010
Friday 5th November
Went to work today, for a change. Was quite nice to think about something else for a few hours – however hard that may be. While I was in a meeting, the phone rang – it was Leela. I knew it would only be very good news or very bad news; and luckily, it was the former! Willow was booked in to come back ‘home’ to Poole tomorrow. I was quite shocked it was so soon; thought it would be another few days yet. So was pretty overjoyed by the prospect. The happy vibe kept me motivated to work for another few hours, but soon I was ready to see my daughter again.
We went to Southampton for what was hopefully the last time. Willow was looking so much better- the swelling had all but gone, and she was a lot more active.
Apparently, today was Bonfire Night, going by the six hours of constant noise outside. Looking forward to taking our kids to see some fireworks.
We went to Southampton for what was hopefully the last time. Willow was looking so much better- the swelling had all but gone, and she was a lot more active.
Apparently, today was Bonfire Night, going by the six hours of constant noise outside. Looking forward to taking our kids to see some fireworks.
Thursday 4 November 2010
Thursday 4th November
Today I had some of the happiest moments of my life. Stanley was allowed out again today, and both Leela and I have well and truly fallen in love with him. He was so awake and lively and looking up at us with his big, beautiful eyes.
As I’ve been writing this page, sitting watching him, he’s turned his head over three times. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed right now – but for once, it’s a very positive type of overwhelm-ment.
Willow was slightly better today and “peeing for England”. So it looked like things were on the up generally.
As I’ve been writing this page, sitting watching him, he’s turned his head over three times. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed right now – but for once, it’s a very positive type of overwhelm-ment.
Willow was slightly better today and “peeing for England”. So it looked like things were on the up generally.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Wednesday 3rd November
Bit of a crap day today. I’m feeling really down about Willow. Was very upsetting seeing her today looking all puffy because of fluid retention. Also, I just don’t like Southampton as much and want her to come home to Poole. It probably makes a difference that we started out there so we know how it all works and have got to know the staff.
It feels a bit like we are going nowhere at the moment, and I had some fleeting thoughts that Willow will just never get off this bloody ventilator.
Its times like these that I realize how lucky Leela and I are to have each other. Just can’t imagine getting through this on my own.
I don’t think it helps when we see Stanley in the morning and then go to Southampton – by the evening we are already drained and tired so it’s not going to be good seeing Willow when we’re feeling like that.
On a positive note – Stanley is doing really well, so it’s a real joy when we see him, and are able to hold him like a normal baby.
Just can’t wait to be able to hold our daughter. Cannot bloody wait.
It feels a bit like we are going nowhere at the moment, and I had some fleeting thoughts that Willow will just never get off this bloody ventilator.
Its times like these that I realize how lucky Leela and I are to have each other. Just can’t imagine getting through this on my own.
I don’t think it helps when we see Stanley in the morning and then go to Southampton – by the evening we are already drained and tired so it’s not going to be good seeing Willow when we’re feeling like that.
On a positive note – Stanley is doing really well, so it’s a real joy when we see him, and are able to hold him like a normal baby.
Just can’t wait to be able to hold our daughter. Cannot bloody wait.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Tuesday 2nd November
Went to work this morning, where it was a full house. Everyone seemed to be in the Bournemouth office today. I got loads of the same questions and repeated all the answers. My mind wasn’t quite up to fully concentrating, but in a way it was good to try and think about something else.
Got to Southampton and found Willow on her own, looking rather puffy. A male nurse was with her today; he looked, according to my lovely wife, like he’d just come off the street. Willow’s doing alright with her breathing; well, as expected anyway.
Got to Southampton and found Willow on her own, looking rather puffy. A male nurse was with her today; he looked, according to my lovely wife, like he’d just come off the street. Willow’s doing alright with her breathing; well, as expected anyway.
Monday 1 November 2010
Monday 1st November
Can’t believe its November already.
It’s going to be a pain going to Southampton and Poole every day. Not good for the sanity.
It’s going to be a pain going to Southampton and Poole every day. Not good for the sanity.
Sunday 31 October 2010
Sunday 31st October
Started the day in Southampton again today. Willow was with the same lovely nurse as yesterday. She’s one of our top five nurses. It’s quite stiff competition to make it into this prestigious list actually; I could possibly even make it a top ten. I suppose this is a good thing – there are so many nurses that we are more than happy with looking after our babies.
Willow had woken up a bit more overnight, but had not yet made great strides in improving her breathing skills.
The docs got an x-ray done to check there was nothing going on in the lungs which they might have missed and which might be causing additional problems.
The x-ray showed the lungs looking a bit fuzzy, but the docs reassured us that it all looked pretty standard. This was all to be expected; Willow had only just undergone major surgery after all.
We were more concerned that she might be in pain, and Leela was becoming leaky-eyed at this prospect. Our babies are so lucky to have her as their mum. She cares about them so much and I know for certain that there is absolutely no-one in the world who would make a better mother.
The plan with Willow is to take it slowly and get her nice and comfortable before weaning her ventilation. Her little body was still getting used to her new circulatory system, which no longer includes an open duct between her two main arteries.
We left Southampton feeling reasonably hopeful and made our way to Poole to see Willow’s brother.
Stanley was being a very good boy again. He came out of his cot for a two hour cuddle, with just nasal prongs for oxygen. Seeing him like that and being able to hold him makes us feel even more like actual parents. It almost feels too good to be true, even at this stage with such a long road ahead still.
Leela’s convinced that he might have a cleft palate. She mentioned it to the nurse and she’s made a note of it for the doctors to look at. I’m sure it’s alright and Leela just saw the dark roof of his mouth.
The last couple of nights we’ve been catching up on missed episodes of ‘An Idiot Abroad’. Although I still feel quite guilty doing anything that involves pleasure while our babies are stuck in intensive care, I think we need a bit of light relief sometimes or we’d be in an even worse emotional state.
Anyway, Karl Pilkington made us laugh so much we almost couldn’t breathe. Surely that can’t be a bad thing for the babies – although I am feeling guilty again just writing this. I just can’t wait for the times in the future when all four of us will be laughing together at something; I’m going to savour every moment.
Willow had woken up a bit more overnight, but had not yet made great strides in improving her breathing skills.
The docs got an x-ray done to check there was nothing going on in the lungs which they might have missed and which might be causing additional problems.
The x-ray showed the lungs looking a bit fuzzy, but the docs reassured us that it all looked pretty standard. This was all to be expected; Willow had only just undergone major surgery after all.
We were more concerned that she might be in pain, and Leela was becoming leaky-eyed at this prospect. Our babies are so lucky to have her as their mum. She cares about them so much and I know for certain that there is absolutely no-one in the world who would make a better mother.
The plan with Willow is to take it slowly and get her nice and comfortable before weaning her ventilation. Her little body was still getting used to her new circulatory system, which no longer includes an open duct between her two main arteries.
We left Southampton feeling reasonably hopeful and made our way to Poole to see Willow’s brother.
Stanley was being a very good boy again. He came out of his cot for a two hour cuddle, with just nasal prongs for oxygen. Seeing him like that and being able to hold him makes us feel even more like actual parents. It almost feels too good to be true, even at this stage with such a long road ahead still.
Leela’s convinced that he might have a cleft palate. She mentioned it to the nurse and she’s made a note of it for the doctors to look at. I’m sure it’s alright and Leela just saw the dark roof of his mouth.
The last couple of nights we’ve been catching up on missed episodes of ‘An Idiot Abroad’. Although I still feel quite guilty doing anything that involves pleasure while our babies are stuck in intensive care, I think we need a bit of light relief sometimes or we’d be in an even worse emotional state.
Anyway, Karl Pilkington made us laugh so much we almost couldn’t breathe. Surely that can’t be a bad thing for the babies – although I am feeling guilty again just writing this. I just can’t wait for the times in the future when all four of us will be laughing together at something; I’m going to savour every moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)